After a week of serious focus on a project that required all my physical and mental energies to complete, I am exhausted. I drug myself out of bed this morning praying that the coffee would have extraordinary power over the aching weariness my body was experiencing and fill me with enough umph to make it through the lesson I had for my ladies. I read over the scriptures and my notes several times before my brain decided to participate. But once my mind was on track and my spirit motivated, my body picked up the pace a bit and I made it to church ready to share what He had placed on my heart.
My friend entered the room as I was waiting for another cup of coffee to be ready and making notes on the whiteboard. She has been struggling with some health issues and it quickly became apparent that we were both weary. I told her that I could stretch out on the floor right then and go sound asleep; she said she could join me. We both refrained from giving in to this temptation, but wouldn’t that have been a sight when the pastor made his stop by to say hello!!
There is a God-energy that always surprises and delights me as it takes over when I stand to teach or speak to a crowd. In those minutes it’s like an out-of-the-body experience in that I am no longer conscious of how I physically feel. I love how He does this. This morning I taught the lesson which just made me more excited about the lessons that will follow, and my only disappointment was that the time was too short – I could have taught for hours. But as soon as we dismissed, all I could think about was getting back to my bed! I stayed for the worship service but must admit that God did not get my best. He barely got my attention at all as what little remaining focus I had was fixed on preventing my head from bobbing in slumber. Seriously, I could not get home fast enough once the service was over.
I’ve re-committed my Sundays to be a day of rest. I know my body needs it and my soul is desperate for it. I want to give Him time to renew and refresh and restore me. I want to hear Him more clearly and see life through His eyes. I want to study His word. Really study, not just the quick, encouraging devotional reading, but the digging in with my questions and fears and doubts, journal at hand to record the things that will change my life. I want this time to be truly spiritual.
But after the nap today that was both necessary and totally unavoidable, I just felt numb. You know that place in-between being asleep and awake? That. I couldn’t shake it. I tried to listen to a teaching video, but didn’t hear half of what was said. Pen in hand, I tried to conjure meaningful prose but the only thing that came to mind was “I got nothing.” I picked up a book that I am purposefully reading slowly so as not to miss its many messages and I read and reread the same pages more than a few times. It was not feeling very spiritual.
The guys were gone so I had the house to myself, everything still and quiet. I went downstairs to refill my water glass and wondered if they had taken the dog with them on their adventures for the day. Just about the time that thought crossed my mind I heard CJ on the back porch. I felt no inclination to engage with him at the time so as soon as I got my water I retreated once again to the comfort of my bed, having closed the bedroom door behind me. A few minutes after I had nestled under the covers, I heard CJ run up the stairs. I knew he didn’t need anything but I decided to open the door and let him in. He literally jumped with excitement. I pet him briefly before, again, crawling back to bed. He wagged his tail as he watched me and as soon as I was settled in he ran back down the stairs and outside. It was then that I realized he thought he had been home alone. His excitement upon seeing me was not because he needed or wanted anything, but just the delight he experienced upon discovering that he was not alone. Then he was off to do whatever it is that dogs do when no one is watching.
My sister wrote this a couple of years ago and today it came back to my mind as it has many times:
Be still and know that I am God
Be still and know that I am
Be still and know
Sometimes the most spiritual thing we can do is simply be. Be in His presence, asking nothing, requiring nothing, perhaps even expecting nothing. Allowing the fact that we are not alone to be our delight as we do whatever it is we humans do when no one is watching.
Today it was as if He simply said to me “I’m here.” When I heard that, I pulled the covers up, closed my eyes, and very spiritually nodded off once again.